Bank Job

You know when Jesus asked Peter and andrew, "put down your nets and follow me,"? And then you know how sometimes God asks us to quit our careers and go plant a church somewhere, or out onto the mission field. Or maybe he asks us to move to another city. You know.

I have this job. It's a stable job that brings in some money that we stock in jars to save up for things like Christmas presents and a wedding we are part of. It's a job I started just over a month ago.
The branch manager had offered me a couple different positions before I finally accepted.
I get to wear nice clothes, look professional, and talk to customers all day. I get benefits and perks and discounts, I get bonuses, there is room for it to grow into a career. From the outside looking in, this job would look pretty good for a 20 year old girl who spent only 2 years in college. In fact, I ran into an old friend who said to me "Look at you! You're married and have a good job. You've arrived." I looked at her and wanted to laugh. "I've arrived?" I'm 20 years old. What does that even mean? It was almost an insult. Arrived. Ha!

So in all honesty, I don't want to be working there. I thought to myself, prior to receiving the job, "Natalie if you had to have any job right now, this would be best. It's clean. Youre not wiping butts or cleaning up blood. You're not doing things with garbage. You won't smell like pizza. Let's face it, this is great." But the longer the days go, the more I work, the more my heart aches. I'd so much rather be doing admin work, creative work, creative contemplative thinking, going deep into conversation with people about their value & worth in jesus - of course thats where my heart is. Not counting money and handing the filthy bills to customers, learning about credit cards & trying to sell people products that will lead them into debt, more likely. And my poor husband has to hear about it. The poor guy- he should tell me I need an attitude adjustment.
So here I am. A bad attitude. Wishing I could just quit my job. And work for my husband's ministry and the church.

My husband applies for a full time position at work. Thus creating the possibility for me to quit.
Yay! Right? Goodness me, of course! Except one thing has become very clear:
My desire for the approval of people has not withered away as much as I thought it had.
The thought of letting down my bosses at work who wanted me on board so badly, who paid to have me trained, who sent me to teller school... I JUST finished training three weeks ago. And to think that I would let these humans down and upset them is what is leading me to hesitate and have clammy hands. I am putting their desire to have me there before Gods desire (AND my own and my husbands) to have me working more in a basement office below Starbucks for the youth ministry.
Gosh danget. There is something seriously wrong.

As I stare contemplatively at this, I see that I am chasing the approval of these people. Even if it's underlying deeper than I thought, it is there. And if I am choosing to seek that, to seek anything BUT God, my sorrows are going to increase. A lot. It will end up defining me. I will become caught up in this world and with the meaning of "success" that I personally don't care about. I hunger for God and his kingdom to be brought to earth. And if I'm caught up in trying to please people, I'm not going to be doing what God wants for me.
Psalm 17:14
"By the power of your hand, O LORD,
destroy those who look to this world for their reward.
But satisfy the hunger of your treasured ones.
May their children have plenty,
leaving an inheritance for their descendants."
May my God give me strength for what He may ask of me.